234. Write or Wrong

Several members of my family are professional scribes: these include among others,  daughter Lisa, daughter Judy, granddaughters Elizabeth and Colleen, and in fiction, my cousin Ed Gorman. Every one of them will probably appreciate the exhaustive effort in verbalized diplomacy presented in the following:   

** Tale of the Strange Smithsonian Exhibit **

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.

This man really exists and does this in his spare time!

Anyway… here’s the response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.

Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20007

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled “93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post… Hominid skull.”

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be “Malibu Barbie.”

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

2. Clams don’t have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities

* Footnote to the Smithsonian letter:

Sad to say, investigating the Barbie Smithsonian Exhibit uncovers facts that don’t fit with the myth.  At first there are small things, there has never been an Antiquities department in the Smithsonian Institute.  Furthermore, research reveals that the Smithsonian are fed up of people ringing up seeking to verify the ‘Barbie’ exhibit which does not exist.

Finally, it turns out the original prankster is Dr. Harvey Rowe, who conceived the Barbie Smithsonian Letter back in 1994.  A few emails to friends started one of the best ever urban myths.

Personally, I think it’s a true story.  Those people at the Smithsonian don’t know what they’re doing.  Last year, Octo-woman discovered what seems to be a carefully preserved tail of a velociraptor just like those in Jurassic Park. She found it in the playground at Laurelhurst Elementary School.  Now she’s afraid to send it in to those lamebrains at the Simthsonian for fear they’ll decide it’s an old frayed jump rope. Well, what do they know?

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One Response to 234. Write or Wrong

  1. Linda Lewis says:

    Now Pat has given her thoughts on this affair
    About Mr. Williams, which we were not aware
    So let’s hear from Lisa, Judy and Colleen,
    Or Ed and Elizabeth for a scene.

    The images of prehistoric abound
    With Barbies and jump rope that are found.
    A cresent wrench or two adds to the mistique.
    So let’s hear some more where yours are unique.

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