178. Cat Burglar

My household is currently pet-less.  No dogs, cats, birds, fish, etc.  Through the years, we did co-exist with a never-ending parade of four-legged, winged, creepy crawlies, and underwater wild-life.  Of these, the creature I would least want to share the house with today is a cat.

This is not because I am of the “Dead cats are good cats” school of opinion, but because I am easily intimidated by bossy felines.  There is no way you can take a cat to obedience school, and you can’t teach them any cute tricks like “Beg” or “Sit Up”, or “Go get me a beer”. All you can do is stand back and watch them take command of their kingdom.

The good side is that they’re not as high-maintenance as the doggies.  You don’t even have to give them baths, not because they don’t need them, but because you want to avoid violence.  Or if the cat HAS to get a bath, you can do it like this:

How To Clean A Cat  (Author unknown)

  1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
  2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
  3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.

    Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
  5. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
  6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
  7. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Cats can be enterprising, though.  This one has figured out how to lead a life of crime and get away with it.

“Dusty” has apparently stolen more than 600 items from his San Mateo, California neighbors over the years.  If you happen to move there, be careful where you store your underpants or you may see them featured on YouTube.

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