141. Expiration Date


I sure wish I knew what my expiration date is.  I wish the date and time was stamped somewhere on the front of my body where I would have access to it.  Of course, it would have to appear upside down so I can read it.

Imagine it.  I could go out in a blaze of glory.  Here’s what I’d do if only I knew when . . .

1.  I will be wearing my best underwear.

2.  The house will be impeccably clean and tidy.  People will say “What a housekeeper that woman was! We had no idea! Who would have guessed this immaculate model home was residing under all that clutter and crud.”

3.  All my bills will be paid in full and all financial paperwork will be completely current and neatly filed in manila file folders.  After they go through them, all my daughters will be telling everyone, “That woman was a saint”.

4.  I will have composed the text for my obituary so the family will be relieved of that difficult task. I’ll remember to mention winning the Nobel Peace Prize and my Olympic Gold Medal. (Never fib on your resume but it’s okay on your obituary.  Nobody ever demands a retraction on a death notice.)  For a photo, there’s already too many wrinkles and jowls on the obituary page. Maybe this one of my avatar Chloe might be good.


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5.  All the family video tapes will finally be edited into concise, entertaining documentaries.  I will probably receive many awards posthumously.  Perhaps an Oscar nomination or two.

6.  All of the family photos will be scanned and captioned and categorized in iPhoto.  Any in which I appear will be extensively re-touched in Photoshop.


7.  If, on the day before my expiration date, there are any jars of Macadamia Nut Clusters left in the house, I will eat them all up.  No sense letting them go to waste.

8.  There’s a lot more I’d like to do, but the rest of the time will probably be spent at church.  Praying fervently.

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4 Responses to 141. Expiration Date

  1. Linda Lewis says:

    Life is an enigma. We never get the picture of the puzzle. Each moment is a piece of the ever changing picture. Everyone only sees a part of it, so they never really see the picture. (I just made that up.) Boy, isn’t that scary to think in a moment of time, someone could imagine what someone is like by seeing us for just an instant. All I know is I just love the moments you are sharing with the ‘world’ on your blog. If I have anything to say about it, you would have a truck load of mac clusters so you could never possibly expire cause you would be so busy eating them. They must have some sort of preservative in them to keep people healthy and beautiful like you are.

  2. Tim Fitzpatrick says:

    Good morning Aunt Patty,

    At least it is morning here. Ever since you started your blog I have been searching for a poem that I kept. It is obviously rules that you have adhered to the past 79 years. Well, all of this and a steady diet of rutabagas.

    Have a terrific Tuesday!

    Time Tested Beauty Tips
    by Sam Levenson

    For attractive lips, speak only words of kindness.
    For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
    For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
    For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
    For poise, walk with the knowledge that you’ll never walk alone.
    People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed,
    revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anybody.
    Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.
    As you grow older, you will discover you have two hands, one for helping yourself,
    the other for helping others.
    The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure
    that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a
    woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to
    her heart, the place where love resides.
    The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in
    a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly
    gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with
    passing years only grows!

    • "But you look good for your age!" Lisa Marie says:

      What a beautiful poem, Tim! It’s much needed comfort after recently watching videos on this very blog of myself from 25 years ago.

  3. Pingback: Ritual and Custom: Creating Artificial Spirits, Part III | Magick From Scratch

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