128. Dazed and Knocked-out

I can hardly wait to tell you this.

Today I ordered 10 one gallon pots of red Double Knockout Roses to make a flowering hedge along the front porch of the house.  Try to imagine how it’s going to look this summer.  Think technicolor.

How it happened was this.  Earlier in the day I got an email addressed to “Special Customer” from www.rosesknockout.com. It said that all their one gallon potted knockout roses are 50 percent off till January 17th, but because I’m Special, any that I order by that date will be 60 percent off.

It’s really nice to be special.  All aglow, I did the arithmetic. Each one gallon potted rose is normally $26.00 so fifty percent off is $13.00. That means that 60 percent off would be $11.70 each. It seemed like an offer I couldn’t refuse.

In case you agree, order some for your garden at 50 percent off, and then when you go to pay for them, type in “ROSE100” as the Promotion Code and you’ll get the extra 10 percent off.  It said I can tell my friends to do that even if they aren’t special (which, of course, you are).

The reason I am excited about this order is that knockout roses are the one kind of agricultural product I’ve been able to successfully cultivate without bringing down blight and pestilence on all the flora in the neighborhood. As a gardener of ill repute, my flower growing ventures usually end up in the yard waste container. Not so with the faithful ever-producing knockout roses.

I think I could stomp on them, pour acid on them, steam them, starve them, ignore them, speak harshly to them, insult them, borrow money from them and fail to pay it back, and they would continue to be my friends.  Those girls will forgive anything.  All they ask is the opportunity to keep making flowers from April till October.  They’re hardy, disease resistant, and you don’t even have to dead-head the wilted blooms.

Of course, the ladies like to take a drink now and then, on the side.  Nothing excessive, though.  They normally drink only in moderation. Except once in a while. Well, geez, nobody’s perfect.

Because they’re so flowery, the birds and bees are very fond of the knockout roses.  They think they’re hot. I like birds and bees too, but I like the roses better because they never sting me or poop on me.

The pots will probably be delivered in March. Getting a double knockout rose is like receiving manna from Heaven, except that you can’t eat it.  Well, maybe you could.  I’ll try it and will let you know.

So there you have it.  The front yard should be in all its glory by August.  I’m going to have to be prepared for a lot of tourists driving by or coming on foot to see the extravaganza in front of the porch.  Do you think I should charge a fee?  Do you think my granddaughters should open a lemonade stand to help pay for college?  Will we need a license? Should I rent one or two of those green Honey Buckets?

If Oprah calls, I’m going to tell her that I won’t appear on the show unless she will promise to give everybody in the audience their very own new car, and the trunk must be filled to overflowing with one gallon pots of double knockout roses.  Nice.

As for you, the reason I’m letting you know about it so soon, is so you will have time to make travel arrangements.  My front yard will be expecting you.

I can’t wait!