This morning, Father Tim Sauer at St. Bridget’s started his homily about “Signs” with a joke. Here it is retold, slightly modified, by my avatar, Chloe.
Truthfully, I don’t think that police officer should have been urging my sister Joan Fitzpatrick to go as fast as 50 mph. One time, when she was going only 17 mph, she fell asleep and ran into a tree. Now what do you have to say about that, officer? (Actually, that probably happens a lot among the residents of Sun City West.)
The subject of Father’s homily was signs like the Star of Bethlehem, but, because of my sister’s advancing age, I decided this might be a good time to point out some other signs she should watch out for. It’s the least I can do since I am still in more-or-less full command of my faculties. And younger. Joan is going on 82 and I am only going on 80.
Signs that my sister Joan is GETTING OLD:
1. At the casino, she keeps asking the hired help to get her change for a quarter. It’s tacky. I don’t see any of the really cool high rollers doing that, and besides there are machines that can spit out the nickels and pennies in privacy and without full disclosure.
2. Also at the casino, she graduated this year to the rank of Flight Commander on the Star Trek slot machine. It’s given her an identity crisis, and I fear she’s shopping for a Captain Kirk uniform. For my brother-in-law Tommy, it’ll be the last straw. He’ll NEVER go to the casino again, and who can blame him?
3. Joan is very old-fashioned. Her back goes out more than she does, but she won’t take chronic pain meds because she “doesn’t like how they make me feel”. When I asked if the doctor had recommended homemade brownies laced with medical marijuana (but sugar-free, of course), she was appalled. My sister’s idea of “good grass” is what’s on people’s lawns. I guess she just doesn’t like vegetables.
4. My sister’s inner clock is beyond repair. She’s the only adult I know who, when I phone them, I have to ask “Did I wake you?” and it’s only 7:30 P.M.
I could go on pointing out more areas for improvement, but if Joan can just work on these five, it’ll help. I really want her to make it till she’s going on 100 because – besides being my sister – she’s my most treasured best friend and I want her to stick around as long as possible.
So does the casino. They really need all those nickels and pennies.