My granddaughter T.T. Covey asked me today, “Grandma, is there anything you wanted for Christmas that you didn’t get?”
There certainly was. And I decided to speak up about it. Here goes.
I am very disappointed in you. I was counting on you. Apparently you have failed once again to measure up to the “Ask and ye shall receive” specification on your job description.
As you are well aware, I have been asking for some time now for thinness. In good faith, I was expecting to wake up on Christmas morning 15 pounds lighter, but when I looked in the mirror, I could only shake my head in exasperation.
What is your excuse this time?
You may enjoy being overweight yourself, Mr. Claus, but some of us don’t share your enthusiasm for having a belly that shakes like a bowlful of jelly. I happen to have the good sense to wish to appear more svelte and to present less jiggles and chins. That is why I made my modest request to shed weight, but obviously you were too busy taste-testing Costco’s Macademia Nut Clusters (which contain Hawaii’s favorite nuts, lightly dusted in sugar and salt, dipped in fine caramel and then enrobed in milk chocolate), — or else my name was mistakenly placed on the naughty side of your packing list.
I am not naughty, Sir. There are many who refer to me as a saint. It is I who purchases and brings home the large 2 lb. bags of Costco’s Kirkland Signature Kettle Brand Sea Salt Krinkle Cut Potato Chips with their bold flavor and hearty crunch. And if it wasn’t for me, who else would faithfully obtain all the Kirkland Chocolate Covered Almonds and, of course, the Black Forest Gummi Bears in the 6 lb. bag which provide soul soothing comfort food to persons in stress.
As I said, I am disappointed in your performance, and somewhat offended that you didn’t even leave a thank you note when I left out by the fireplace the large slice of Costco strawberry cheesecake that I had saved for you. And because I feel you’re too plump, I made sure your beverage was Kirkland’s 2% Reduced Fat Milk from the 2 gallon jug.
In spite of your ineptitude, I am willing to give you one more chance. I have a birthday coming up next September. As the belated Christmas present which you failed to deliver to me this year, I expect to receive the gift of thinness which I feel I deserve.
Furthermore, along with the 15 pound weight loss, I would like you to surprise me by delivering one of those Costco sheet cakes with the cream cheese frosting and those little roses and vines and puffy frosting. It can say “Happy 80th Birthday, Octo-woman, You Thin Thing You”.
Somewhat sincerely yours,