Dear Mr. Network:
I am writing in regard to your show “Dancing With the Stars”. It has come to my attention that no one has asked me to appear on it yet and I have been wondering why.
It may be that your staff is concerned about my prior commitments. They may fear that the demands on my time may be too excessive to allow me to participate on your fine show. This is not the case, Mr. Network — may I call you “ABC”?
Yes, the public’s demands are unrelenting when it comes to my time, ABC. As the author of the popular “goingon80” blob, I dare not miss making my daily post or the White House may call in alarm. Only this morning, my sister Joan commented that part of this morning’s post had not uploaded. It was easy to explain to her, however, that it was merely late because I had been up all night feverishly editing the video montage that went with it. As you can see, I am extremely dedicated, and – ABC dear friend – you can rest assured that my deadlines are met, and they frequently come in on time and within budget.
As the saying goes, “When you want to get something done, give it to a busy man”. Or to paraphrase, “to a busy woman”, which thus qualifies me as being at least half-there, as my sister has occasionally remarked.
I was encouraged to learn that Sarah Palin’s daughter was chosen as one of the celebrities this season. Since the daughter’s prior stardom was achieved by having birthed a child, I feel exceedingly well-qualified to be one of the Stars since I am the mother of seven.
You should be congratulated for seeing to it that Bristol has been included among the 3 finalists for the coming week’s finale. Anyone who is named after a shaving cream deserves to win something. And I am proud that although she continues to be the low scorer, she miraculously manages to come out on top, and it gives me confidence that I can do it too. After all, I come from a family of dancers, not moose hunters.
My nephew David Ford and his wife Melinda can set a ballroom dance floor on fire. In addition, my granddaughter Elizabeth and husband Sean started taking dance lessons last month, and there are 8 Irish step dancers in the family. (There used to be 9 but one of them fell in a bar and tore her Achilles tendon.)
Please let Makeup know that the tanning spray will need to be a little lighter than usual since my normal skin tone is that of a recent parolee. Also, I don’t have any tattoos yet. Perhaps they can let me know which motifs they prefer. And on what part of my body. I usually wear Reeboks shoes – the ingrown toenails, you know – but what do you think? Will sneakers be okay?
I will probably choose Derek as my dancing partner because Maks is too bossy and I can’t remember the names of the others. Besides, Derek is my favorite. Better not mention that to the others, of course.
Thank you for giving this your immediate and confidential attention, ABC, my friend. You can count of me to do all I can to help the ratings improve but I definitely don’t plan to take any of the credit for it. It’ll be all yours, dear.
Very sincerely yours.