66. Santa’s Last Chance

I’ve been losing my respect for Santa Claus.  I may not even get my picture taken with him this year.

The reason I never send cards or presents at Christmas time is because I feel that’s Santa’s job.  It’s right there on his job description.  Everybody knows that.

I’m grieved to tell you that Santa’s performance has been disappointing the past several Christmases.  If he doesn’t shape up this year, I have no recourse but to submit an evaluation to AARP that will be below-average.

Every Christmas Eve, I leave the cookies and milk out in plain sight, but he keeps skipping my house.  He must not like non-fat, so this time I’m going to try 2% reduced fat. Heaven knows, with a belly that shakes like a bowlful of jelly, he should be watching every calorie.

I only asked for one present the past few Christmases, but I’m still waiting for it.

Somehow, I must have got on the wrong List —  but I’ve been good.  I’ve been very good.  You know that.  Like, do you remember the time I accidentally killed granddaughter T.T.’s gefilte fish and when she got home from camp – instead of sneaking a lookalike replacement into the aquarium –  I owned up to it?  Because that was the just and honorable thing to do.  (And, T.T. is used to uncovering trickery.)

Santa was quite old when I was a child so he must be ancient by now.  And getting forgetful.  And not Checking the List twice.  That must be why I never find what I asked for under the tree.

All I want is a skateboard.

I don’t have a car anymore, so a skateboard seems like a nice sporty alternative. Also, you don’t have to take a driver’s test, it doesn’t require a license, and the upkeep expense would be minimal.  It seems like an ideal solution to solve my transportation needs, and one which would thrill my eye doctor who seems concerned about how many people I could kill behind the wheel of a car.

Of course, there are risks.  Earlier, I blobbed about how my great-nephew Brian Ford broke his leg cavorting around on his long-board skateboard.  I don’t plan to have that happen though because I’m not going to do any of the fancy stuff.  Not till I’ve fully mastered the basics.

I used to worry about how difficult it will be to acquire the skills to operate the skateboard, until I saw this inspiring video.  If you’ve never seen it, you’ll be amazed.  These guys make it look so easy!

I know that if these roller-bladers can do it, a skateboard ought to be a cinch for anyone who’s going on 80.

Santa, I’m giving you one last chance.  Bring the skateboard.  And just in case, get one for yourself in case you forget where you parked the sleigh and reindeer.

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2 Responses to 66. Santa’s Last Chance

  1. I thought you would’ve liked surround sound and a big tv!!??

  2. Susy says:

    Dear Going On 80. I happened to come across Santa at a truck stop fueling up his sleigh. I asked him about your skateboard request. He said he wasn’t sure if you knew that milk has an expiration date or maybe you didn’t know where to find it or just simply had vision problems. Anyway with being on such a tight schedule he said there were two reasons for not stopping by. The first one is he doesn’t have time to stop at every honey bucket due to outdated milk. The second is with your possible vision problems he didn’t want you to go from a roller-blader to a rolling bladder. Octo son-in-law. P.S. May I suggest a box of powered milk and a pitcher of water.

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