The only trouble I have with dieting is the first day of it. That’s because by the second day, I can go back to regular eating again. My one-day diets aren’t especially effective girth-wise, but they do a lot for my sense of sanctimony and self-sacrifice. And they make eating the Gummi Bears and Macademia Nut Clusters so much more acceptable. Why not seize the moment because, after all, I’m-going-on-a-diet-tomorrow. See how it works?
I’m sorry to say that I have passed on some of my weight control secrets to my innocent daughter Lisa. She and I are well-known Weight Watcher dropouts but, nonetheless, since her high school years, dieting for us is a weigh of life.
Even I wonder sometimes if my weight loss methods are abnormal. Otherwise normal people would be using them. Even Oprah would be implementing them and heaven knows she needs to. At any rate, they are what Lisa grew up observing, and, as you know, the apple doesn’t fall far from the cheesecake.
I mean well. Daughter Judy brought over two pounds of Swedish Fish on Saturday, and because I knew Lisa was coming, and would have to struggle with temptation, I ate them all. It helped Lisa stay on her diet. That’s the kind of good-hearted mother I am. No, don’t applaud me – it’s the least I can do. After all, I feel responsible for inculcating her with the following helpful dieting tips.
(Copied and edited from Will and Guy’s joke website and fervently practiced by Octo-woman):
- A chocolate fudge sundae that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order it, and then you can eat half of it.
- All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a soft ice cream cone or a hot dog eaten at the Puyallup Fair actually has a caloric deficit.
- Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including chocolate chip cookies baked and sent away to college.
- Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to “straighten up the edges” by slicing away the irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.
- All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing “Happy Birthday, Matthew”, or “Good luck, Colleen” in colored frosting. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it’s impolite.
- Sausages, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
- If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn’t count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
- Anything somebody made “just for you” must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.
There you have it. Tips to help you through the holiday season. The fat’s in the fire, so to speak. Don’t thank me. Just send over a plate of cookies.