38. Wet and Dry

Here’s a poem for you, but don’t read it if you scare easy.


_______  by Jimmy Stalwart

I’ll never forget that moment
As horrid as could be.
A silent mass of water
Rushed and ran at wide-eyed me.

My eyes beheld a mounting terror.
In my breast my heart was pounding
As closer, closer, closer still
Came the warning danger sounding.

When over the mark of safety
The surging surf did spill,
I fought the controls with panic
But, alas, I knew no skill.

I chilled and shook and trembled too,
And cried, “What gosh-darn luck!”
And stook in helpless, gasping fear,
As the potty handle stuck.

How many times has it happened to you?  Me, I don’t even want to think about it.

Caution. Today’s blob will include some bathroom humor.  According to South Park, Canadians love bathroom humor but if it’s not YOUR cuppa tea, go to your room.

As far as I’m concerned a little puerile humor never hurt anybody.  In fact, it helped keep us sane in our old house in Seattle’s Capitol Hill neighborhood.

We had nine people living in the house.  And one bathroom.  And we lived there for 14 years. That’s why everybody learned to dance so well at such an early age.

To make up for its lack of accommodation there were three doors leading to the bathroom.  The doors were badly chipped and scarred from the violence inflicted upon them.  Locks were constantly broken. Frantic victims were always trying to break in to relieve themselves while the room was otherwise occupied.

Baths were a group affair.  The room had a tub, no shower.  Up to four or five little girls at a time in the big pink tub.  Then, like royalty, the two boys got to sail their boats and rubber duckies in regal and roomy solitude.

When my sister Joan, with my little niece Chris and baby nephew Tim came to visit from Cedar Rapids, there were 12 of us sharing the loo. People in diapers were more than  welcome, but my sister had to fend for herself.

It wasn’t only the potty handle that got stuck.  Oh, no.  Toys, bars of soap, homework, diapers, socks, were among the articles extricated from the toilet.

One day the plumber came to make yet another a repair while Joan was there.  He surveyed the nine children having lunch and said to Joan, “Is this a nursery school?”  “No, it isn’t”, she said.  He kept shaking his head.  We couldn’t stop laughing, but I don’t think he was amused.  And who could blame him? Through the years, his life’s work had become centered on fixing that toilet.  And here it was’t even a nursery school.

To close on an inspirational note, here’s some potty one-liners.

1.  Confucious say, “Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.”
2.  Look out for #1.  Don’t step in #2 either.
3.  E. coli happens.
4.  Constipated people don’t give a shit.

And finally . . . . .

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3 Responses to 38. Wet and Dry

  1. susy says:

    Now, that BLOB is too funny. I clearly remember trying to take care of business in that one little bathroom with three doors. There were many mornings you would find a line up waiting to get in there. Dad was always walking around with a warm washcloth on his face. He was just trying to squeeze in a moment to shave before work. The worst part is that none of the doors would ever lock properly so we all got really good at screaming “I’m in here” at the top of our lungs to keep people from invading our privacy.
    I am still laughing, just thinking about it …. Susy

  2. Chris says:

    As Mark read over my shoulder he asked “do you even remember that trip?”. Well, of course I do!!! It was a childhood highlight!!! Playing ‘categories’ on the front porch with cousins became a daily routine! It was my first encounter with a ‘mangle’ – who knew ironing could be so much fun?

    Here are a couple potty jokes for your collection…
    How dry I am,
    How wet I’ll be…
    If I don’t find
    That bathroom key!

    Since you’ve already reminded reader that I was a kindergarten teacher in a former life I’ll end with this:
    If your wondering where the P is… its about to run down my leg in a second – so I’m off!

  3. Linda Lewis says:

    Oh my goodness. Nine for one. And six of them girls. Susy’s description is great!
    What did people do when they had out houses and rainy weather. That reminds me of our friends cabin up on the Skykomish River. A little ways from their home, they had the throne room. Side by side with each having a padded seat was a view of the river if you kept the door open. Who ever heard of an outhouse with two thrones right next to each other?!!

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