Most families, this one included, is made up of the Thicks and the Thins.
The Thins I’m most involved with are satisfied with their weight and why wouldn’t they be? They look great in the mirror, but, of course, eating like birds is the price they pay.
The rest of us wish we were amongst the Thins, but bird food is not high on our list of delectable treats, and thus, looking in the mirror is the price we pay. Since this blog is dedicated to revealing all my Secrets of Life, today’s is going to be about weight loss. And if you have any to add, please do so. We need all the help we can get.
Daughter Lisa and I are both Weight Watcher Lifetime members. What that means is that we’re fat, but one time on a particular date in our past lives, we weren’t. Lisa’s “Before” Weight Watcher photos are shown here. I would show you her “After” photos but it will give her another excuse to skin me alive.
Our weights fluctuate like yo-yos. Lisa is more patient than me so she keeps things under better control by going back to WW more or less regularly. Me, I can’t stand it.
The worst thing about WW meetings, is you have to get weighed. I wouldn’t mind doing this, only they won’t let me take off my shoes and all my clothes. I’ve tried to reason with them to no avail. I ask you, how can you get an accurate weight reading with all your clothes and shoes on?
Besides, Weight Watchers isn’t the most successful form of weight control. As far as I know, my niece Denise and I are the only ones in the family who are aware of this secret, but getting pregnant while undergoing nine months of all-day-and-night “morning” sickness is an extremely effective form of weight control. It’s the one advantage of acquiring a Ph.D. in Vomiting.
Another good way to lose weight is to start smoking. Back in the days when everybody smoked, folks weren’t nearly as obese as they are today. Of course, there’s always a trade-off, isn’t there? You might not look forward to the chemo and hair loss that comes with it, but, hey, it’s just a suggestion.
This last secret is one that is known only to me. I haven’t even told Lisa — I’m saving it until she’s in the depths of despair and needs some encouragement. The secret is that most people don’t know HOW to get weighed. Well, friend, this is how it should be done.
When you get weighed, your objective should be to reduce your body to its most primitive state. As close to the way you were in the womb as possible. And don’t do it, until 8 hours after you’ve consumed food or liquids.
The first rule is that you should only get weighed right after you’ve had a haircut. Does that make sense?
Next, you must cut your fingernails and toenails as short as possible. Remove makeup and nail polish. Remove all jewelry, including necklaces, bracelets, and nose rings, regular rings, pierced earrings, and your watch. You can leave your contacts in or your glasses on if, without them, you can’t read the scale. Tattoos are acceptable unless the ink is still wet.
Have a bowel movement and go pee-pee. Then take off your shoes and all of your clothing. If you’re wearing any deodorant, take a shower to get it off. Are you buck naked now? Good. Now you’re ready for the last step.
Finally – and this is the most important trick – you must breathe properly. Standing near the scale, take a very deep breath. Now slowly exhale it and when the air is almost all the way out, step on the scale. There. Look at the reading. That is your true weight. And that’s not so bad is it? The number may not be all you were hoping for, but at least it’ll be correct.