Getting out of the shower this morning, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Not a pretty way to start the day. So I guess I’ll write a Progress Report. That always seems to give things more of a sense of “planning”. Like I “planned” for a train wreck like this.
So here goes. As of today’s date, I’m losing my hair and teeth, I stoop over, I have cataracts, memory and hearing issues (Eh?), and I think I have toe fungus, but, hey, who’s complaining?
As I age, an odd thing is happening. When I was young, I used to be 5’2” tall. Today, standing perfectly straight, I’m 5’1” tall. What happened to that inch, you may wonder?
Well, this is my theory. When I got married, my shoe size was 6 1/2. Today, it’s 8. Now what happened to that size-and-a-half? (Do you see where this is going?) From this, I can only conclude that as I’ve aged, unlike fine wines that know how to do it, I’ve been gradually sliding down into my feet. All of me has slid downward. Just like the water slide at Wild Waves, only real slow.
This alarms me. There was a time when I was taller than daughter Lisa (the runt of the Ford litter), and all 14 of my grandchildren. Now the only two I can still tower over are Lisa and granddaughter April. If this keeps up, pretty soon when I go to a family gathering I could get stepped on.
Next I could talk about bulges and cellulite. I could, but maybe another time.
And then there’s my movie career. This could be the end of it. I may not be able to star in any more porn movies. Darn it all, I was just getting the hang of it. Oh, wait, I know. Maybe daughter Susy, and I could start a video company. We could call it Ford Video Porn Movies for the Blind. The video tape could be entirely in braille.
Isn’t this a great life lesson, boys and girls? It only goes to show that if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. (Sugar-free, of course. I’ll still have to watch my figure. All those raised dots, you know. )